The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
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duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
found my next D&D character name
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
my dad when a sex scene comes on
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.