america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
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Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.