If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
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Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.