Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
You Might Also Like
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
My guardian angel deserves a raise
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
There are no pants in heaven.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.