My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
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hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
lol
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.