Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
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Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon