[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
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[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
How do horror writers compete with current events?
are they though??
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
sensitive skin
*struts into the new year
~ trips
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering