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Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.