After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
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Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Is….Is this an option?
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.