9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
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My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
This forever.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.