Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
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Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
No way!
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans