If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
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“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?