“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
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DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.