my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
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[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
My diet starts in January
of 2027
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.