My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
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Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
☠️☠️☠️
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.