[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
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[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.