They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
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If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”