The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
You Might Also Like
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
sleeping beauty
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.