Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
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My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Word!
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.