If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
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#NeverForget
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
My life coach traded me.