Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
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date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
some cats are just doing for fun!
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.