ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
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Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire