my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
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Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.