She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
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Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.