T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
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ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere