Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
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People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Cat is stressing him out.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Clients after you give them your rates
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.