meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
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Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
reduce, reuse, recycle
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.