A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
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*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Children of the corn 🌽
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff