If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
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Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.