Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
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Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”