Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
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Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?