*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
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I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.