getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
You Might Also Like
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.