ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
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me logging onto twitter
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
OMG 🤣🤣
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.