Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
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Me: Same
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me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
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[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
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– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
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Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
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football coach: wait wtf is this
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I believe you Internet stranger.
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*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
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Me: well, I was lying in bed …
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me: no thanks
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MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?