You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
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Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
a fate I wish upon no one
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???