I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
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Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.