[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
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For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker