There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
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sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.