When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
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I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.