ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
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Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”