CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
You Might Also Like
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”