My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
You Might Also Like
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?