[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
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Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit