I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
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*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Very good news from my accountant