BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
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Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
some cats are just doing for fun!
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.