My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
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A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
Guys, I found it.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.