I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
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People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Hello Twits.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
How times have changed.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
the dark web is just a goth google.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.