If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
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Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
I can fix him.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”