In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
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I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.